Resurfacing Histories
by LandofShadows
Summary: There’s a new detective in town, and her and Lilly have a history that Lilly's tried to move past. But can things like that easily be forgotten? LillyKat. WIP. Lilly's POV
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Resurfacing Histories

**Rating:** PG-13 for now, may be upped to R in later chapters

**Pairing: **Lilly/Kat

**Disclaimer:** I don't own CC or any of the characters. You have to talk to JB about all that.

**Summary:** There's a new detective in town, and her and Lilly have a history that she's tried to move past. But can things like that easily be forgotten?

**a/n:** Title may change. This is femslash, in case you didn't notice. If you don't like it/agree with it, don't read it. Simple as that. Lilly's POV

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I shrug off my coat and drape it over the back of my chair. As I go to sit down, I glance into Stillman's office and see him talking to a young, African-American woman with a head of short, curly hair. I can't see her all that well, but she reminds me of someone.

I must be thinking of someone else, I figure, and sit down, picking up the file I had left opened on my desk the previous night. I quickly glance through its contents. I found it hard to focus on what I was supposed to be reading up on. I knew that woman from somewhere. I had definitely seen her before.

_Come on, Lilly! Focus_ I told myself. There were people out there who needed justice brought to them. Just as I find my focus and begin reading up on Emily Stryver, Stillman calls me over.

"Lilly, come here; I've got somewhere here for you to meet," he said, beckoning her to come into his office, where the young, strangely familiar woman was still standing.

"What's up?" I ask casually, even though I know exactly what I'm being called there for. I glance nervously at the woman standing on the other side of the office; I know why she looks so familiar.

Stillman opens his mouth, but doesn't speak upon seeing the looks on our faces.

"Do you two know each other?" he asked, suspecting something of that sort.

"Uh, yeah," I begin, regaining my composure and ability to speak first, "We, uh…"

"We came up through the academy together, Lieutenant," Kat finished for her. She casts a flirtatious glance at me that seemed to go unnoticed by Stillman.

"Okay. Uh, Lilly would you mind showing Kat around her, then?" he asked.

"Um, sure," I answer nervously. It's been a long time since I've seen Kat. And it had come as quite a surprise. I quickly turn to leave the office, feeling slightly out of it. Kat nearly has to run to keep up with me as I make my way across to the lockers on the far side of the floor.

"Hey, come on, Lil!" Kat whispers loudly as she catches up to me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. I had never wanted to see this woman again.

"Look, I didn't come here to follow you," she said sternly. A small smile crept across her face, "Not that I mind…" She brushes my exposed forearm with her hand as she moves in closer.

I look at Kat's hand caressing my arm with disgust. "What the…? Get off me!" I slap her arm away and storm back to my desk.

What happened had happened, but it was over now. She had no right to do that to me!

"Hey, we had something good going…" Kat said as she, once again, chases me across the squad room. "And you're supposed to be showing me around!"

"Not if you're going to hit on me!" I hiss, glancing around to see if anyone else is watching. I'm relieved to see that Scotty, Nick and Jefferies aren't in yet.

"Lil, what we had…It wasn't nothing," she hisses back. "We really had something there for a while."

"Yeah, but there's a reason we don't anymore," I tell her, attempting to go back to my work.

"And what's that?" she asks, dragging the topic out for far longer than it needs to be.

"I. Am. Straight." I say sternly, trying to get my point across. "J-j-just pretend anything ever happened."

"Lil--" she began. I glance Scotty out of the corner of my eye walking into the squad room. I don't want him to hear what we're discussing.

"Sh!" I hush her. She looks over her shoulder and sees Scotty.

"Oh," she says quietly, "we'll discuss this later, then."

I sigh, and I assume that's enough for her and she walks over to an empty desk far away from mine.

I then turn back to the file and begin working. It takes me a few minutes to regain my focus, but once I'm locked into a case, I'm locked in. I almost forget about Kat until she approaches me after work.

"Lilly, would you like to come over for dinner?" she asks me. Seeing the look on my face, she adds, "To…talk this out. Please?"

I agree to have dinner with her, not knowing what to expect.

**TBC…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Yeah, yeah...don't own CC or anything...You know the deal.

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**  
After returning home after work to shower and change into something a bit more comfortable, I make my way to the address that Kat had given me. I climb the stairs to the second floor quickly and stop in front of, what I believe to be, the right door. I glance once more at the slip of paper Kat had given me on my way out.

"Apartment 12B," I mutter to myself, hesitating as I reached towards the large knocker on the dull green door.

I force myself to grin as the door swings open to reveal Kat standing in a snug pair of jeans and low-cut, blue v-neck top. I can't help but notice her near-perfect figure and the way her outfit shows it off, but quickly remind myself that I'm not supposed to be thinking those things about another woman.

"Hi," she says, welcoming me into her apartment. The walls were papered in yellow and green striped paper, most of which was covered by photographs of her family, and places she had visited. Right in the middle of one wall was her picture that was taken when she graduated the academy. The furniture was simple to match the feel of the place.

I have no idea what to expect from tonight, so I've prepared myself for whatever happens. I make up my mind that if I get uncomfortable, I'll excuse myself immediately.

"Hi," I say, stepping inside and offering Kat a loaf of French bread I had picked up on my way over. Kat thanks me and leads me into the kitchen, which doubled as a dining area.

"Please, sit," she said, pulling out one of the plain wooden chairs for me. "Dinner will be ready in a minute."

I smile again, but say nothing as I sit at the table. I don't want to say nor do anything that will make her get the wrong impression. I sit there, thinking about what could happen for not even five minutes before Kat comes in, carrying two plates of chicken parmesan.

"Dinner is served," she says, setting one plate in front of me and taking the other with her as she sits down directly across from me.

"Looks delicious," I say with another forced smile. There is tension in the air as we eat in silence. I try to avoid eye contact with her, but I find myself stealing a few looks down her shirt.

_iStop it! That time of your life is over/i _I scold myself.

After we both finish, I help clear the dishes. We still don't say a word to each other.

"Um, how about we come in here, where we can be a bit more comfortable?" she says, more than asks. She leads me into her living room and she seats herself on a small, brown leather sofa. I settle myself into a matching armchair next to it.

"So," I begin, "what did you want to talk about?"

"You know what I wanted to talk to you about," she sighs.

"But what about it?" I ask, getting annoyed. "It's over between us. I thought you knew that."

"Lil," she said, calling me by my nickname, "those feelings that I had for you, they don't just disappear overnight. I've never forgotten about you. I'm sorry; I can't help it."

"Well," I say, as I feel a tightening feeling in my chest, "you're just going to have to get past that."

"Lilly, we had a good thing…" she begins.

"Yes, Kat," I cut her off. "We _had_ a good thing. That part of my life is over now."

"Lilly," she says, "there's nothing wrong with being gay. Lots of men and women are."

"But not me," I tell her. "It's been a long time since then. I'm sorry if you felt that strongly about me, but the whole relationship was a mistake." She opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand to stop her. "I better get going…Thanks for dinner. It was really good."

I think I hear her mutter good-bye as I rush out the door. It was a mistake. Everything that had ever happened was a mistake, including tonight.

I let myself into my apartment; make my way into my bedroom, and fall onto my bed with my cats. I roll over onto my back, letting out a long sigh.

I know I'm straight. I have to be. There's no way that I'm gay.

I yawn as I realize just how tired I am.

What happened between me and Kat was a long time ago. I was young and carefree, willing to give anything a shot. At the time, it seemed right. But now, having moved past that, I know who I am.

_Or am I wrong now?_ I ask myself as I drift off to sleep.

**TBC…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Don't own CC or any of the characters.

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**  
I arrive at work the next morning after almost everyone else. Only Kat comes in after me. I'm seated at my desk when she walks past.

"Hi, Lilly," she says. It's obvious that she's upset about what I said last night. But what could I do? I only told the truth.

"Hello," I say tersely, barely looking up from my work. Scotty, however, does look up from his work with a puzzled look on his face.

He opens his mouth to speak, but I quickly go back to my work. It's my way of telling him that I'm not in the mood to talk.

The rest of the day goes with little interaction between me and Kat.

"Hey, Lil," Scotty says, approaching me while I'm at my locker.

"Yeah?" I ask, though I know exactly what's he wants to know about.

"Did something happen between you and Kat?" he asks with a look of concern in his eyes.

"A long time ago, yes," I answer truthfully. I quickly turn away towards the door to exit the building. I'm still not ready to really talk about it.

"Lil!" I hear him call behind me. "Wait up!"

I get onto the elevator and hit the button to close the door. I've already said too much. Now Scotty knows that Kat and I have history with each other. I just want to get out of here as fast as I can.

As I exit the elevator, I hear Scotty's voice. I'd forgotten that he was the two-time winner of the stair races in our building.

"Lil," he says as he catches up to me. He gently grabs my arm and turns me around. "If you want to talk…"

"I-I just…" I begin. I can feel tears welling in my eyes. "Everything is just really confusing right now, okay?"

"Lil," he says, pulling me into a hug, "I want to help. If you need anything…"

"Not here," I say. I just really need someone to talk to about all this, get a few things off my chest, and I know I can trust Scotty. "My place."

"Okay," he nods. "Do you need a ride?"

I politely decline the ride, opting to drive myself home. I know that if I left with Scotty, rumors would be everywhere. Scotty is on my tail the whole way home.

We park our cars in the driveway, and I let the both of us in. I invite Scotty to sit down on the couch as I feed the cats and put on a pot of coffee. I pour two cups and carry them to the living room.

"So," he begins to say, "what's wrong, Lil?" There is genuine concern in his eyes.

"I knew Kat from a while ago. We were in the academy with each other," I start. "A few things happened between us."

"Like what?" he asks, looking me directly in the eye.

"We had a relationship," I say. I see the surprise in his eyes as I say this. "Yes, it was sometimes sexual."

"Wait, are you…?" he asks.

"No," I say. "I mean, I don't think I am. I was young at the time and I tried many, many things. Lesbianism was just another one of those things I tried."

"You said that you don't think you are," he points out.

"Well, with Kat back," I say, "I'm starting to question it again."

"That's okay, though," he says. "There's nothing wrong with being gay, Lil."

"I know," I say somewhat harshly. "But I'm just…not, okay?"

"What happened?" he asks. Seeing the puzzled look on my face, he adds, "Between you and Kat? Obviously, you two broke up."

"I don't really know…" I tell him. "I was the one who broke it off."

"You don't know?" he asks in disbelief. "Come on, Lil. There's got to be a reason."

"I guess I was just afraid," I say. Knowing what his next question would be, I say, "I was afraid because I was developing strong feelings for another woman."

"Then why'd you break it off?" he asks, feeling that I haven't answered sufficiently.

"Look, the thing with Kat was almost a bit like experimentation. Like, just to give a relationship with a woman a go, see what it was like," I say. And that's really all I wanted it to be. But before long, I fell in love with Kat, and that scared me. I had always thought I was straight up until that point. "I was just confused at that stage in my life. I'm straight."

"But you said those feelings have been coming back," he says, reminding me of my own words.

"I just feel like I don't know who I am, Scotty," I say honestly. I don't.

"Well," he says with finality, "I'm always here if you want to talk about it. And I'll always accept you and I will always be your friend, no matter what your sexual preference may be." There's a look of sincerity in his eyes as he says this, and I smile at his words.

"Thanks, Scotty," I say. We both rise from the couch and hug each other as friends. I bid him good-night and watch him leave.

I sigh as I sink back into the couch, hugging a pillow against my chest.

_Could I be gay?_ I ask myself for only about the millionth time in the past few days.

**TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Disclaimer: Same deal as the last time.

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**  
"Hey, Lil," Scotty says, approaching me the next day at work, "you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lie. I barely slept the night before. After Scotty left, I couldn't help but remember the feelings I used to have for Kat.

It scared me, a little bit. I had always thought I was straight, and this is really the first time I've ever questioned whether I was or not. I've had tons of boyfriends, and have chased many men, but I've never felt for them like I felt for Kat.

As I stand in front of my locker thinking about these things, Kat walks briskly into the squad room. She doesn't even bother to stop at her locker. I try my best to avert my eyes from such a beautiful site.

"Lil, come on, we got a lead," Scotty says, tapping me on the shoulder a few moments later. He sees the look on my face and his face becomes softer, "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I say. I reach back into my locker, pull my gun out, and place it in its holster.

By the end of the day, we've wrapped up the case, and all we've got left is some paperwork to do. We sit at our desks silently, only speaking when we need to. Accidentally-on-purpose, I'm using Scotty as a bit of a middleman between me and Kat.

We work until about 7:30 pm; none of us feel like having to wake up and come to paperwork tomorrow morning.

"So, you guys up for drinks?" Nick asks us, standing up from his chair and putting on his coat.

"Sure," we all reply in unison. Only Scotty declines. I'm slightly surprised that Kat agreed to come.

"Okay," Nick says, "I'll meet you guys there." We all nod.

As I reach down to pick my coat up off my chair, Kat approaches me.

"Um," she begins. She sounds a little embarrassed. "Where are we going?"

I force myself to smile and say, "Just follow me."

"Okay," she says, but gives me a skeptical look. She seems a bit unsure about trusting me to lead her to the right place. I give her a reassuring smile and we walk downstairs and out of the building together.

We arrive at the bar to find Vera and Jeffries already waiting for us. They've grabbed us a table towards the back corner and have already ordered the first round of drinks.

Kat and I are forced to sit next to each other in the small booth.

We spend the next hour and a half or so just sitting and talking. We joke around about cases, discuss politics, everything, really. Kat's knee touches mine a few times. The first time, I move my leg away quickly. But the second time, I let our legs linger for a bit. The last few times, I wish that her leg never moves away from mine.

By the end of the night, I can feel some of my old feelings for her starting to come back. It confuses me, but right now, I just want to be near her.

Vera and Jeffries, claiming tiredness, leave before me and Kat. We don't stay much longer after them, but we did have some time together.

"You know," she says, reaching out to brush a few strands of hair away from my face, "I've been wanting to do this ever since I saw you that first time in Stillman's office…"

She cups my face in her hands and leans forward. I know exactly what's coming and I don't try to stop it. I close my eyes, mentally preparing for the moment.

Our lips meet finally. I don't pull back, and I even allow her tongue to slip into my mouth. I open my eyes, just for a moment, but it's enough for me to realize who I'm kissing. Suddenly, I pull back.

"Wh-wh-what was that for?" I manage to get out.

"Lilly, I'm sorry…I thought…" she begins to say, but I run out of the bar before she can finish.

I speed my way home, hoping not to get stopped. I run up to my apartment, and once inside, slam the door shut behind me. I can't believe I just let that happen. The thing is, I _enjoyed_ it.

Trembling, I touch my fingers to my lips, stunned by what had just happened.

**TBC…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, just playing

**a/n: **Thank you to everyone for the wonderful reviews.

**Chapter 5

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**

I toss and turn all night, thinking about how I loved the sensation I had felt when she was kissing me. How could this be happening? Why me?

For years, I had chased boys. I had many boyfriends throughout high school, and up until I met Kat, I never gave any thought to the fact that maybe women were more for me.

Now that I thought of it, the pleasure I'd experienced with Kat was like no other I'd ever felt. Not that the sex wasn't good with guys, but it was just so much better with her.

I contemplate these things until it's nearly four in the morning. Even when I do finally drift off to sleep, I'm met with only dreams and visions of Kat, shadows of the past. I only get two hours of sleep before I wake up again, the dreams becoming too real.

_The past_, I tell myself, _that's all it is._ But how could I let go so easily, when the woman I had loved for even that short time couldn't? How is it that I still have feelings for her after all this time? After I've convinced myself I'm straight?

How could this be?

* * *

I arrive at work a few minutes early. I see Kat a few yards in front of me and slow myself down so as not to run into her on the way to my locker. When I finally decide that it's safe to go in, I find it difficult to _not_ look at Kat, yet I can't make eye contact with her when her eyes make an attempt to meet mine.

At one point during the day, I space out and let my mind drift to the previous night. The feel of her soft lips on mine, the pleasure I felt as her tongue explored my mouth as mine did the same, the special something I'd felt during those few seconds our bodies melded.

Remembering how abruptly it ended, I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Regret fills me as I recall just how good I felt for those few moments. I run to the bathroom to calm myself down, and hope that Kat doesn't follow me. I take a few deep breaths and splash my face with cool water.

"Come on, Lilly!" I whisper quietly to my reflection. "You've got to get your act together."

I return to my desk, making an extra effort to look calm, but Scotty senses something is wrong.

"Hey, Lil," he says quietly, leaning over his desk, "everything okay?"

"Come here," I whisper back, beckoning him to come over to my side. I've got a plan to, once and for all, prove to both myself and Kat that I'm not a lesbian.

As Scotty walks towards my desk, I accidentally-on-purpose slide a file of my desk. The noise isn't loud at all, but it's enough to draw the attention of Kat, who, besides Scotty and I, are the only ones in the room, as Vera and Jefferies are working on a case. She lifts her head just as Scotty reaches my desk.

I stand up to face Scotty, reach out and pull him into a kiss. I try to really get into it, to recreate that feeling from last night, but there's nothing, no feeling of the passion or pleasure. I quickly pull back, my eyes once again filling with tears. I glance at Kat, a stunned look on her round face, then back at Scotty, who's staring at me in bewilderment.

I turn to leave as quickly as I can. I hear footsteps follow me, but I don't much care whose they are. As I'm nearly out the door, I whirl around to face my pursuer.

"Why don' you---," I begin, but am stopped as I see Kat's eyes staring back at mine, her face not three inches away.

"What the HELL was that, Lilly?" she growls under her breath. "What were you trying to do? Trying to impress me? Or was it an attempt to prove that you're straight?"

My mouth opens and closes and I find nothing to say.

"Lilly, I saw you when you kissed him. You felt nothing. Isn't that right?" she says, her eyes locking with mine again. Afraid to look directly at her, knowing that she's right, I avert my eyes from her steely glare. "Why don't you just accept it?"

I'm shocked by everything coming out of her mouth; I find myself unable to speak or even think for a few seconds before I regain my composure.

"Obviously, our prior relations are creating problems that make it difficult for us to work together. Maybe one of us should just...LEAVE!" I say, trying to sound as official as possible.

She stares back at me, stunned at my words. She had been expecting me to proclaim my love for her...My love...Yes, I did love her. But with those words I had just spoken, how could I ever win her back?

I leave my words hanging in the air as I turn around to continue out the door, the guilt of my statement hanging thick over my head.

**TBC...**


End file.
